Is my story any good? The following is an excerpt. Aeralia is narrating, Lynya is her mage's familiar.?

Neither Lynya nor I much enjoyed traveling with Baron Garrick. He was charming and friendly, but I sensed that something menacing was underneath all the light-heartedness. My suspicions were confirmed one moonlit night. I liked to sleep under the stars, unlike the Baron and his two men; they slept in tents. The Baron thought I was sleeping in my bedroll outside, but in reality I was watching him.


He walked carefully so as not to wake anyone. Garrick made his way over to his captive, whose hands and feet were both tied. Shaking him roughly and dragging him to his feet, the Baron whispered something I couldn’t hear. The other replied something, spitting in Garrick’s face. Garrick’s face turned scarlet and he viciously hurled his prisoner against a tree. The dark haired man struck the tree and crumpled immediately to the ground. I barely remembered to stifle my gasp of rage and horror. As it was, I waited until Garrick stalked into his tent and doused the light.


I called softly to Lynya, but there was no need; she was already by my side. Take some water and food for him, she advised. I got my canteen and some bread and dried meat. I also put on my sword, just in case Baron Garrick or one of his men decided to interrupt me.


Making my way over, I was thankful to see that the man was no longer unconscious; on the contrary he was struggling against his bonds fiercely. “Hey,” I said, “There’s no need to do that! I can cut you free.” He turned towards me for the first time. He was younger than I might have thought; eighteen or nineteen at most. His eyes were a dark, steely grey right now, but I was to learn that his eyes changed shades of grey according to his mood. A quick smile passed over his lips, so swift that I wondered if I had imagined it. “Hello,” he said quietly. “I’m Ariston. Pleased to meet you, Highness.”


“Don’t call me Highness. I’m Aeralia, Aera to my friends.” Lynya mewed softly. “Oh, and this is my familiar, Lynya,” I added. Ariston took that in stride. “Pleased to meet you, Lynya.” Then he looked at me. “You’re a bit quick to assume that I’m your friend,” He informed me. “What if I was trying to kill you?” I laughed. I liked him. “But you’re not. As far as I know, you are my friend.” He shrugged. “Well, Aera, if I am your friend, then you are mine, and my friends see fit to call me Aris.”

Is my story any good? The following is an excerpt. Aeralia is narrating, Lynya is her mage's familiar.?
yes, i would say what you wrote is pretty good. interesting to read, competently written, if not well written. i would personally re-read it and tidy it up in a few places, how you put things rather than the actual story, but that is small stuff on the whole and if you have written a lot like this i would say you were doing pretty well.





what i would alter:





travelling with double ll


scrap "all" in the second line


the next sentence stops too abruptly, just as i want to get going. link with previous sentence. your sentence lengths are good otherwise.


new para after "moonlit night"


"and his two men, who slept in tents." better, less fussy. the other semis and colons are good.


quotations for Lynya, even if not human (?) "take some food and water"


Baron Garrick ? unnecessary: we already know him, just one name, say the baron








see what i mean...? just nit picking really! you probably knew these...


good luck !