Can some1 plz read my college admissions essay and give feedback!!!?

Starting my fourth year in the JROTC program, I hold a very a large responsibility for both myself and my fellow cadets. From holding a rank as a Private freshman year, to


now knowing that I am being looked at as both a leader and a friend. May 2007 was the year that I stepped up and became a leader. I was chosen to exchange my rank that I received junior year as a Cadet Command Sergeant Major and take full responsibility as a Cadet Lieutenant Colonel.





Becoming the highest ranking Cadet is something all cadets wish to achieve; only one student out of the entire battalion is selected. For the 2007- 2008 class year I, Cynthia Irizarry, was awarded of this prestigious rank. Once you are enrolled in the JROTC program it grows on you, competitions become important, training is a must do, and you begin to take pride as you stand out in the crowd while you wear your uniform. Other students at my school think that all you do is wear a uniform and go to class, but it is much more than that. The JROTC program offers many skills involving, leadership skills in the classroom, teamwork during practices, responsibility when wearing your uniform and successfully fulfilling the number one goal of JROTC, which is to become a better citizen.





The day I walked onto the stage to receive my new rank I looked out into the crowd to see they were looking back at me. Although I did not know everyone who was sitting in the large auditorium they all congratulated me for my accomplishment. Yet as I looked at the crowd looking for a familiar face I couldn’t help but seeing that my mom was not there. One of the most important days of my life and I was sharing this moment with a bunch of strangers and my fellow cadets. The more I looked the more I realized that no one was there for me until I saw someone standing up and clapping for me. It was my boyfriend. The only person who has spent the past year of his life by my side and supporting me every step of the way. I couldn’t help but to become teary eyed on stage.





My mother was probably at home taking care of my brother or doing something unimportant. My father had walked out my family less than 4 months ago. My grandparents, aunts and uncles were either passed or living in other states so they were understandable. Yet, there was still no excuse on why my family was not there for me supporting me as I shined on stage. As I stood on stage with tears slowly falling down my face I held my head up high and accepted my position with pride. When I began to walk off the stage I knew that I had set a new goal for myself and many challenges and responsibilities were coming my way. I walked over to my boyfriend as he still stood there awaiting for me with arms wide open. When I approached him, he grabbed my face with both hands looked at me and said “Baby, I’m so proud of you”. The tears from eyes that were trying to fight from coming down were defeated as he spoke, tears streamed down my face as my boyfriend’s arm were there catching them as he held. “Thank you” I whispered in his ears and he held me even tighter.














Being able to accomplish something extreme like this is overwhelming and satisfying because I know that with all of my hard work and persistency I achieved something that I had set for myself since freshman year. I was proud of myself and knew that I did this all by myself even when others doubted me, their negativity made me continue to work harder to prove them wrong. With all of the positive feedback that I received I was just glad to know that even though my blood relatives were not there for me, my friends still counted as family and I knew that they would always be there for me every single day.

Can some1 plz read my college admissions essay and give feedback!!!?
wow that is very good. but stop with the admiring yourself part and let the people reading learn more about you, not just that your in ROTC, I understand its the theme but still tell them your well rounded.
Reply:The writing has a few hitches and goofs, but I have a suggestion for a re-think that would require a rewrite if you agree. Which, of course, you're free not to.





It was dry and didn't hold my attention very well until the ceremony so lacking in family members. I think this is the heart of the essay and the rest, rising through the ranks, the pride of doing well, all that, is just background.





If I had lived your life and were writing this as my essay, I'd open with the ceremony and your awareness that there was nobody there for you but your boyfriend.





I'd backtrack to what the ceremony meant and how hard I'd worked for my rank.





I'd fill in what my family was doing that was more important, to them, than my achievement, or whatever other reasons they might have stayed away.





I'd close with your getting the honor and having someone there after all, the boyfriend who'd truly supported you and who was as moved by the whole thing as you were.





Just food for thought, but I hope you'll consider it.





Maryn, saluting

free dental