Do you like My new Poem????

Visions Of a Minor





As I lay on my bed looking up at the ceiling a scene plays against the white bumpy surface.


I allow my eyes to be the projector. Seeing me outside in a dark world is what I will always see.


My skies always seem to be grey when they should be blue and Voices of people hit my skinned face but I still am unable to fully hear them.


I wonder what you are saying, but I don’t pay attention to the rubbish that comes from the widest hole in your face.


I just continue to stroll down my imaginary Yellow Brick Road.


My heart beats 5 beats per minute “why so slow" I asked.


What did I get in return? Five beats time five.


Now that weird shaped organ is just letting me know I am Alive, because for a minute I thought I was gone, but then again these eye's are projecting these gruesome images allowing me to forget who I am.


These wicked eyes have even blocked me from the Future Monay.


As I am walking I hear steps that sound just like my heart beat being slow and steady but still winning the race. I get closer to this young body and a familiar face comes along and its ME in the beginning, 1991 was a cool year I suppose.


I begin holding myself and the little me says "Come Home Monay, We miss you" Those dark Brown eyes burning into my soul Makes me smile.


As we walked off into our imaginary sunset into a world were we always wanted to be in, I look at myself laying in my bed and my reflection is above my Body that’s lying down " I choose the sun" I say ,then walk off. My eyes close indefinitely. Never looking back again. Leaving my body in the Darkness, Sincerely Yours

Do you like My new Poem????
Well, you've written a very interesting short story, but it's not a poem. It isn't poetic narrative because it has no cadence and although it contains metaphors, it falls short poetry...not by too much, but it does. You could try reformatting a little, but it would still be prose...poetic prose, perhaps, but still prose. On the other hand, it "is" an interesting story. Your OBE and inner reflection of your soul are very honest. Deep? I'm not sure I'd go that far, but certainly more so for someone your age. You might want to get a copy of a book written by Robert Monroe and see if any of his experiences sound familiar to you. I've been there...so I recognize parts of your story. One thing to keep in mind when writing a poem: it isn't a puzzle...you're trying to transmit your experience, or your vision, to another person. If they have to guess at what you're talking about, then you didn't do your part as well as you should. Still, not all poems or stories have to communicate with "everyone"...sometimes it's enough to reach out to a few who have shared a common experience.





Your writing needs editing, and your presentation needs streamlining...but your story flows and does convey a great deal...if not to everyone, at least to a few.





...keep writing, poetry or prose
Reply:lol, very nice :D very long....very good ^^