College admissions essay?

The day I walked onto the stage to receive my new cadet rank I looked out into the crowd to see they were looking back at me. Although I did not know everyone who was sitting in the large auditorium they all congratulated me for my accomplishment. Yet as I looked at the crowd looking for a familiar face I could not help noticing that my mom was not there. One of the most important days of my life and I was sharing this moment with a bunch of strangers and my fellow cadets. The more I looked the more I realized that no one was there for me until I saw someone standing up and clapping for me. It was my boyfriend. The only person who has spent the past year of his life by my side and supporting me every step of the way. I couldn't help becoming teary-eyed on stage.





You see this is no ordinary ceremony to many, especially to me. Since my freshman year of high school I have been enrolled in the JROTC program and from my first day I had been determined to become the Battalion Commander. To hold the responsibility that I need to make sure that my fellow cadets are in tip top shape, in uniform and in competitions. Knowing that other students would come to me for support and advice is something I envied as I watch other students do the same to Battalion Commanders before me. Once you are enrolled in the JROTC program it grows on you, competitions become important, training is a must do, and you begin to take pride as you stand out in the crowd while you wear your uniform. Other students at my school think that all you do is wear a uniform and go to class, but it’s much more than that. It’s the ability to learn leadership skills, help make a difference when fundraising and food drives took place, learning how to work as a team with other students during drill practices and learning how to be responsible for a uniform. I would make sure that I would try to participate in as many things as possible.





The day that I did receive my rank my mother was probably at home taking care of my brother or paying to much attention to her new boyfriend. This was very likely since my father had walked out my family less than 4 months ago for some new girl at his job who “caught his eye” or so he told my mother. My grandparents, aunts and uncles had either passed away or were living in other states, so their absence was understandable. Yet, there was still no excuse on why my family was not there for me supporting me as I shined on stage. What could be so much more important than seeing your first born be recognized for a huge accomplishment. As I stood on stage with tears slowly falling down my face I held my head up high and accepted my position with pride.





When I began to walk off the stage I knew that I had set a new goal for myself, and that many challenges were coming. I walked over to my boyfriend stood there; waiting for me with arms wide open. When I approached him, he grabbed my face with both hands looked at me and said “Baby, I’m so proud of you”. The tears from my eyes that were trying to fight from coming down were defeated as he spoke. They streamed down my face as my boyfriend's arm caught them while he held me. “Thank you” I whispered in his ears and he held me even tighter. My boyfriend was the one true person who was moved by this event as much as I was. He always made it seem that it was him who was winning the award not me. He had lovingly and unwaveringly supported me and made me realize that this was not a dream. That my hard work had finally, delightfully paid off.

College admissions essay?
I would tend to stay away from talking about a significant other in an admissions essay, but would focus on what the rank meant to you without involving him.
Reply:I agree with the first post. Try not to sound like the beginning of a romance novel.


This also seems like it was written while you were mad at your mother. You talk down about her with the statement " or paying to much attention to her new boyfriend."
Reply:This essay is a little personal but that is okay. I like your writing style. I would not, however, turn this in as my college admissions essay. You mention that you are in JROTC, and that you have reached battalion commander. In a college admissions essay, you want to focus more on what steps did you take to achieve your goal. Make a list of things that you accomplished to reach it and write about that. This shows the college that you are willing to take the necessary steps to finish your degree.





P.S. It's great that you have one person in your life that really supports you, but I think that you should have a conversation with your Mom and tell her that you were disappointed she did not take the time to share your honor with you. Your Mom may not have realized how important her presence was.