The day I walked onto the stage to receive my new rank I looked out into the crowd to see they were looking back at me. Although I did not know everyone who was sitting in the large auditorium they all congratulated me for my accomplishment. Yet as I looked at the crowd looking for a familiar face I couldn’t help but seeing that my mom was not there. One of the most important days of my life and I was sharing this moment with a bunch of strangers and my fellow cadets. The more I looked the more I realized that no one was there for me until I saw someone standing up and clapping for me. It was my boyfriend. The only person who has spent the past year of his life by my side and supporting me every step of the way. I couldn’t help but to become teary eyed on stage.
You see this is no ordinary ceremony to many, especially to me. Since my freshman year of high school I have been enrolled in the JROTC program and since my first day I was always determined to become the Battalion Commander and hold the responsibility that I need to make sure that my fellow cadets are in tip top shape, in uniform and in competitions. The ability to know that fellow students would come to me for support and advice is something I envied as I watch other students do the same to Battalion Commanders before me. Once you are enrolled in the JROTC program it grows on you, competitions become important, training is a must do, and you begin to take pride as you stand out in the crowd while you wear your uniform. Other students at my school think that all you do is wear a uniform and go to class, but it’s much more than that. It’s the ability to learn leadership skills, help make a difference when fundraising and food drives took place, learning how to work as a team with other students during drill practices and learning how to be responsible for a uniform. I would make sure that I would try to participate
The day that I did receive my rank my mother was probably at home taking care of my brother or paying to much attention to her new boyfriend. This was very likely since my father had walked out my family less than 4 months ago for some new girl at his job who “caught his eye” so he told my mother. My grandparents, aunts and uncles were either passed or living in other states so they were understandable. Yet, there was still no excuse on why my family was not there for me supporting me as I shined on stage. What could be so much more important than seeing your first born be recognized for a huge accomplishment. As I stood on stage with tears slowly falling down my face I held my head up high and accepted my position with pride.
When I began to walk off the stage I knew that I had set a new goal for myself and many challenges and responsibilities were coming my way. I walked over to my boyfriend as he still stood there awaiting for me with arms wide open. When I approached him, he grabbed my face with both hands looked at me and said “Baby, I’m so proud of you”. The tears from my eyes that were trying to fight from coming down were defeated as he spoke, tears streamed down my face as my boyfriend’s arm were there catching them as he held me. “Thank you” I whispered in his ears and he held me even tighter. My boyfriend was the one true person who was moved by this event as much as I was. He always made it seem that it was him who was winning the award not me but he always made sure to support me and make me realize that this was not a dream and my hard work has finally paid off.
Can some1 plz read this college admissions essay ???Revised!?
It needs some tidying up, but overall it has potential, particularly if you want to make a few significant changes. As it is, it is more like a journal for emotional release than a college admission essay. Put much less focus on feeling sorry for yourself, and more emphasis on a variety of life achievements and positive things in your life. No one looks better or makes a good impression when complaining about what other people have done to them, no matter how deserved the complaining. Describe more things that you have done, possibly focus on strength in adversity, without such emphasis on blaming your family - they too have their stories, I expect. We cannot choose our families - we just have to accept who they are because we can't change them.
You may need to discuss more than your cadet life. While you have done very well in cadets, a college may look for well rounded people with a variety of experiences to bring to college life.
Best of luck.
Reply:Wow! Excellent job.
I am a HS English teacher and these are the great essays we love to read.
Your style is engaging, and it is unque which is what the readers will look for as well.
My thoughts? Leave it and just change the few grammatical and spelling errors...as below.
1) I do not know what country you are in. I am in the U.S. and the term "rank" was immediately unclear without prefacing that you are in a military setting. Use an adjective perhaps such as "cadet" rank to clarify it, because it is right at the start.
2) I could not help noticing that my mom was not there.
3) ... and had supported me every step of the way.
4) I couldn't help becoming teary-eyed on stage.
5) And from my first day I had been determined
6) First sentence in p.2 is a run-on, break it up at a workable point into 2 sentences.
7) Knowing that other students would come to me
8) or so he told my mother.
9) had either passed away or were living in other states, so their absence was understandable.
10) myself, and that many challenges were coming.
11) stood there; waiting for me with arms wide open.
12) spoke. They streamed down my face as
13) as my boyfriend's arm caught them while he held me.
14) not me. He had lovingly and unwaveringly supported me and made me realize that this was not a dream. That my hard work had finally, delightfully (or sweetly) paid off.
15) You are a gifted writer - the line about defeated tears is amazing on any level Congrats on a great essay and good luck.
I disagree with the above, good writing has emotion and personal access. It is fine.
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