Another one...any good?

The hallways are empty


So bleak with despair


Not a trace of anything left


Nothing here or there





Another school year has ended


Another one to begin


The seniors have moved on


To someday have their kin





We wish we could say good-bye


Just one more time


Before we leave everyone


And we go with a sigh





We have cleaned out our lockers


And packed our bags


We gave our last hugs


And laughed about the gags





We have moved on in life


Still wishing to see everyone we knew


To just say hello


Or just to see if they grew





We go back to the school


Where we used to learn


We see familiar faces


Around every turn





We miss everyone we met


While we went to school


People we will never forget


People, we thought were cool

Another one...any good?
again... yawn.
Reply:You know it's okay. Not Robert Frost, but it shows promise. I like some of the emotion and memory of it. Some of the lines seem a little weak though. For example, "To someday have their kin." seems incomplete or out of place.
Reply:If you want honest critics, you're trying too hard to rhyme. "School" and "cool" is not original. "Begin" and "kin" seems too forced. the word "Kin" does not fit with the rest of the style in your writing.





I suggest not to try too hard. Just write how you feel first, don't worry about rhymes. and if you think of a line you life, even if it doesn't make sense right in the moment your writing, write it down somewhere anyways. Then put it together.





To make it sound like a poem, use other techniques then rhyming and ALWAYS remember rhythm (you have decent rhythm). I forget what this is called but try to make words have the same starting sound or vowel sound. Like "Selling Sea Shells" or "the STONES around our HOMES" (some long O sound). Repetition is a good technique. You did that well on the last two lines (Except I don't like the word cool). Choruses can help.





Try to steer away from words like "bleak" and "despair". It's too morbid and too extreme. Try to be more simple with your words. You want to paint imagry and feelings, not show off that you can use a word in the right context. Think about the voice you are writing it.





Hope this helps. :)
Reply:*sigh* brings back memories...
Reply:This one is super good. Nice ryming. Keep up the good job.
Reply:Please read my reply to your previous poem posting!





Yes, this one is good too.
Reply:Man this depresses me cuz summer is almost over.. sorta. lol
Reply:Very deep. You write from the heart and i respect that
Reply:Very Nice!
Reply:its good
Reply:of course, very good!


keep writing

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